I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Randomize
