It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Randomize