some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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