Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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