alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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