i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
