Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
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