You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
ugly people sure do ruin things
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
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