Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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