and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Randomize
