dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
