I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Randomize
