when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize