wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
