So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Randomize
