pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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