Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
