I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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