make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
smell my finger.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
