The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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