You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
