would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
