I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
