This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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