On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
