I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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