I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
