She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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