You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Randomize
