Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
