areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
