I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
i will never coherently bang her
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Randomize
