My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Randomize
