I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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