when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Randomize
