Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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