im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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