Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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