You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Randomize
