I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
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