I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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