Why are handjobs necessary in class?
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
