I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
