The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
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