Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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