Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
