I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
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