I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I came so hard my ears popped.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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