If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I wish I only lived at night.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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