i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
