While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Randomize
