the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Randomize
