I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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