Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
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