guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
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