my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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