Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
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